The morning outside chores are done. I'm drinking a cup o joe and resting a sec before I head in to other chores. I've got praise music filtering in to my ears and my heart.... it drowns out the cares of life.
Sweet Peace cycled this week. It was totally out of season and...I'm convinced came on due to Moses being such a romantic through the fence. I've no idea if Levi bred her or not. I never saw him do it. I wrote down the date she cycled and will watch her over the months to see if we will have an October baby. If we do it sure will be interesting. Oh my. Olive did not cycle far as I can tell. She should cycle in the fall and we will see how that plays out. I didn't want to breed Sweet Peace. I didn't think this cycle out of season would actually happen. Oh well. For those who are doing a spring experiment because they want fall angora babies this is good news! For me not so good as I wanted to wait till 2014 to breed her.
In her excitement to get to the bucket I was holding, Hannah broke off one of her horn nubs this morning. She bled everywhere. She had blood all over her feed...blood down her nose...blood all over the bucket...blood dripping on the milking stand. I hate dehorning and disbudding goats. I hate it. First of all...goats need those horns. They use them to regulate the temperature of their bodies. It's like taking air conditioners, fans and misters from us. It's cruel. I don't care about show regulations. I don't care about the opinions of buyers. Perhaps it's time we educated them. I have four goats with horns and Daniel is growing his. I will not remove those horns. I don't care if that means I don't sell them. They need those horns. Educated people understand that. The cruelty of making them go through the pain of the bloody mess to begin with and then to put them through the constant losing of the nubs that grow back. It just makes me angry. There is no sense in it. Train the goat. Put a lead on the goat and tie him before you go in his yard. Use precaution and common sense. Shame on the standard makers in shows for not wanting horns. These are issues that need to change for the sake of the goat.
Those little horns stay!!!!!
I am not saying you won't ever have to work around the horns. I have to work around having the need for glasses and the need for a size 11 shoe. We all work around who and what we are...I work around the fact that I'm a woman and often ignored by men in my area when I go to use the services they provide. I work around heat, cold, having brown hair and being short and having to train my singing voice. Yes, you will work around those horns. But the goat needs those horns and it is unfair to say that your need not to have to work around them is more important than the goat's need to have them.
We do so many things for our own sakes.... I have been thinking alot about that lately. About prejudice and about how we set the scales according to our own views rather than facts. We judge based on our prejudice against an organization. We try to evangelize people who don't need saved and we do a blanket judgement saying that they all need saved when they don't. I'm thinking of the protestant/catholic situations I'm continually in. I wish protestants would try to save protestants. I promise you there are tons in your own congregation who don't know the Lord. It just seems easier to go "out there" or "over there" and to believe that they need saving because they don't understand their walk the same way you do.
I wish catholics would stop trying to save protestants as well. Now...all the protestants just heaved a great big sigh and said "AMEN"... but watch out.... the same Christ who you say you serve catholics serve. The one who died for us. And you may not understand their humble faith and devotion. You may have grown up catholic and still not understand it. You may have grown up protestant and be filled with hard feelings toward catholics. Only at the foot of the cross will we understand. I'm telling you...only at the foot of the cross. It is not a great evangelical work to go into the catholic church to save catholics...nor a great evangelical work to go into protestant churches to save protestants... not unless that is what you are...catholics to catholics and protestants to protestants...and you look in to your own house first. Your own back yard. I am not saying God never sets up situations where He will reach one of another denomination through you...but never believe it is you and your faith above their own. Be very very careful.
Billy Graham said 75% of evangelicals are not saved. 75% of those sitting in your church. Why do you need to go somewhere else? 75% of those you sit with every week don't even know the Lord. Shouldn't you storm Hell's gates at home first?
Speaking of home... what's wrong with focusing on home first? What's wrong with being the best mom and dad you can be? Is that somehow less holy? Is it less important? Is there more value placed on ministries outside the home? I don't mean by man, because CLEARLY there is more placed on those ministries by man...I'm talking about God's view. God does not see this matter the way we do. Our families are falling apart because not only does the world tell us that family is last in importance but the protestant world has created program after program after program and needs leaders for all of this. Kids are growing up sitting in church waiting on mom to finish "laboring for God"... they sit there discussing who knows what with one another...they go without good meals...eating fast food because mom doesn't have time to fix those meals. They don't get in bed on time because these programs are so important that they take priority. Mom and Dad haven't seen one another in weeks. There is no time for the entire family to get together and just be a family. There are tons of meetings set up at church for "family time". Those consist of kids playing together and little circles of people gathering to visit. Dad, Mom and kids have not spent family time. Family time is spent at home. It's time when you eat together. When you talk with one another. Perhaps you do go to a park together. Perhaps you take a trip together. But on week nights you are home and helping with homework and baking cookies and visiting...having fun as a family. That's a worthy ministry. Where did that go? I say again....shouldn't we storm the gates of Hell at home first? What happened to the value of praying over your kids each day? Why is it not important anymore?
Catholics and LDS are at risk of falling into this same pattern of letting the family values that have held them strong for so long just go the way of the world the same way the Protestants have. This is serious. This is the foundation of what God has formed. Before your church building was built...before a name was given to your denomination....God formed the family. It is His first institution and it is the one most at risk right now.
The church is only as strong as the leadership in it and that leadership becomes more weak each and every day as the family becomes more weak. You are doing God's greatest work when you labor in what is considered a small place. You are changing culture one diaper at a time. One clean dish at a time. One school lesson at a time. One cooked meal at a time. One Bible verse memorized at a time. One hug at a time. One kind word at a time. One prayer at a time. One toilet cleaned at a time.
We focus on the differences so much. We try to save everyone else. We forget our own churches full of lost people. We forget our own communities full of lost people. Our own neighborhoods who don't know Jesus. Our own homes where the example of Jesus needs to be seen. Where the family needs strengthened so the communities and churches can be strong. We forget that our words should be focused on saying what will uplift.... not in arrogance... it must be from a sincere heart.... our kids and our spouses know when we aren't sincere. Our friends often do too. Our priorities have to change. Just like not choosing to remove horns from goats just for our own benefit, we need to avoid choosing to fall into the lies of society for our own benefit and thus cripple our families and our friends...our churches and our communities...and truthfully...our own hearts too....
Father, I know at times the path I travel seems rough and thorny. It seems to be to an unknown destination. I know you've asked me to simply trust You and walk the path. There are times when my flesh doesn't want to keep going. Forgive me for stopping in the middle of the path at times. Forgive my hard heart. Forgive me for not crucifying my own flesh in how I treat others. Forgive me for not seeking to be kind to my family in speech and act and in how I speak about them. Forgive me for not speaking with kindness both to and about those around me in church and community and nation. Forgive my hard heart. Break my heart to be remolded by You. Surrendering my will to Yours...I seek...with fear and trembling...Your way.....
This is Goodbye from the Blackberry Patch...We'll be seeing you soon......
Tuesday, May 7, 2013
Saturday, March 16, 2013
Theives Oil Recipe
Thieves Oil Recipe
This blend was created from research about a group of 15th century
thieves and grave robbers who rubbed oils on themselves to avoid
contracting the plague while they robbed the bodies of the dead and
dying. When apprehended these thieves disclosed the formula of herbs,
spices and oils they used to protect themselves in exchange for more
lenient punishment.
This blend of
therapeutic-grade essential oils was tested at Weber State University
for its potent antimicrobial properties. Thieves oil was found to have a
99.96% percent kill rate against airborne bacteria. The oils are highly
antiviral, antiseptic,antibacterial,anti- infectious and help to protect the body against such illnesses as flu, colds, sinusitis,bronchitis,pneumonia , sore throats, cuts etc.
Clove oil (syzgium aromaticum) 200 drops or 1/2 ounce.
Lemon oil (Citrus limon) 175 drops
Cinnamon Bark oil (Cinnamoomum verum) 100 drops
Eucalyptus oil ( Eucalyptus radiata) 75 drops
Rosemary oil (Rosimarinus officinalis ) 50 drops
We also learned from Helen that these oils repel ticks as well...so double duty on that....
This combination is not something you want to use internally. I have not checked the other oils yet, but eucalyptus oil should never be taken internally. This is something you can use externally and in some of your cleaning. It is a very powerful combo that I didn't want to lose!!! Hope you try it and that it blesses you with better none toxic outcomes.
Goodbye from the Blackberry Patch... We'll be seeing you soon
Thursday, March 14, 2013
To Teachers... Read It Only If You Can Take It
I realize few teachers read this and few even care what gets said. I'm just so sick of the whole institutional mindset that allows them to believe they are god in human form. Good grief. Wake up. You have been the ones to create a violent generation of kids. You had them more hours of the day. You want even more. Guess you've done SUCH a good job.
Yes I'm mad. Let me share the link... you decide for yourself.
http://www.cnn.com/2011/09/06/living/teachers-want-to-tell-parents/index.html
Now let me give you my response...
I MUST respond...
#1. Just because you are a teacher does not make you an expert. I've seen enough to know there are bad and good ones just like there are bad and good doctors and lawyers. I don't trust all of them either so please understand I am going to look at you closely before I decide to trust you. Recent news reports about character issues with teachers (having purchased the murder of their exhusband) leaves you with enough understanding about why SURELY...if not...you are just going to have to "trust me" on this.
2. I WILL ask my child whether or not "that is true" ... I want to hear from my child because I VALUE my child and what they say. By suggesting I should not you demean my child and demean the parent/child relationship. Mark number one against you when deciding whether or not to trust you.
3. I do want to hear if there were witnesses. You being the ONLY ONE seeing it and you BEING ALONE with my child are two things I DO NOT ACCEPT.
4. Your assignments are not the only thing important. Of course, I'm looking at this from the perspective of being with mine all the time...but understand...there are other things we do and suggesting that you can pile a work load on my child and EXPECT it to be done or take precedence might be asking too much. Summer reading assignments are fine if PARENTS ARE INVOLVED...but you teach fall, winter and spring. Unless you want to put in the hours over summer to be there teaching...leave families alone. You've already piled on more than enough. Kids have NO TIME with family due to school activities, homework and church functions. This REALLY needs to be rethought as before God made school and church He made FAMILY. The one area that is the weakest and the one area MOST TORN DOWN by school and church schedules. Who cares about sports and plays and concerts and your special evenings out. I would like to spend time with my family. I'd like for ALL OF US to be together. Not in your planned schedule. Alone. In a way WE CHOOSE. That's important. I don't public school, but my friends who do are overwhelmed with functions that COULD BE AVOIDED if you weren't determined to remove FAMILY from the picture. Don't tell me supporting family is your plan. SHOW ME.
5. Sadly, if parents feel that they need attorneys already we have challenged the family so much that they are now feeling threatened by the institution. There are parents with issues, but far more are overwhelmed by the fact that teachers and school admins feel they are the authority over the child even though GOD GAVE THAT CHILD TO THE PARENT THUS THEY HAVE THE RESPONSIBILITY. This is important...because right now the institution is raising children and parents and kids and teachers are being brainwashed to believe it is the way it should be.
6.I feel sorry for parents in an institutional world that CLEARLY is not in favor of parent/child relationships or willing to give up power. I feel sorry for parents who have to deal with teachers and admins who spend a good deal of time talking about how messed up parents are behind their backs and then say "trust me" to their faces.
7. Parents do need to talk with teachers. All the time. Weekly. Finding out what has gone one...but if my child tells me something I'm going to believe him over you. Why? Because I want my child to know that he is safe. If he says you hurt him I want him to know I will take that seriously. I have worked LONG AND HARD to build that trust. I will not allow you to tear that down.
8. Above all...handle things professionally teachers... if you have a problem...go to the parent... not the neighbors...the ladies and gents at church....not your friends... go to the parents...and for goodness sake...why don't YOU treat families and parents with respect?
YOU as teachers have a LONG way to go before you are going to be winning more respect. Sadly, because you always choose to push the reason on to parents, I doubt you will ever understand why.
Do what you want to with it in your own mind. I'm sick of being quiet just to keep from making teachers mad. I'm surrounded by them and it's starting to be the last thing I want.
God did not give you MY kids to raise. He gave them to me.
Now it's time YOU understood that.
Sincerely....A MOM
Yes I'm mad. Let me share the link... you decide for yourself.
http://www.cnn.com/2011/09/06/living/teachers-want-to-tell-parents/index.html
Now let me give you my response...
I MUST respond...
#1. Just because you are a teacher does not make you an expert. I've seen enough to know there are bad and good ones just like there are bad and good doctors and lawyers. I don't trust all of them either so please understand I am going to look at you closely before I decide to trust you. Recent news reports about character issues with teachers (having purchased the murder of their exhusband) leaves you with enough understanding about why SURELY...if not...you are just going to have to "trust me" on this.
2. I WILL ask my child whether or not "that is true" ... I want to hear from my child because I VALUE my child and what they say. By suggesting I should not you demean my child and demean the parent/child relationship. Mark number one against you when deciding whether or not to trust you.
3. I do want to hear if there were witnesses. You being the ONLY ONE seeing it and you BEING ALONE with my child are two things I DO NOT ACCEPT.
4. Your assignments are not the only thing important. Of course, I'm looking at this from the perspective of being with mine all the time...but understand...there are other things we do and suggesting that you can pile a work load on my child and EXPECT it to be done or take precedence might be asking too much. Summer reading assignments are fine if PARENTS ARE INVOLVED...but you teach fall, winter and spring. Unless you want to put in the hours over summer to be there teaching...leave families alone. You've already piled on more than enough. Kids have NO TIME with family due to school activities, homework and church functions. This REALLY needs to be rethought as before God made school and church He made FAMILY. The one area that is the weakest and the one area MOST TORN DOWN by school and church schedules. Who cares about sports and plays and concerts and your special evenings out. I would like to spend time with my family. I'd like for ALL OF US to be together. Not in your planned schedule. Alone. In a way WE CHOOSE. That's important. I don't public school, but my friends who do are overwhelmed with functions that COULD BE AVOIDED if you weren't determined to remove FAMILY from the picture. Don't tell me supporting family is your plan. SHOW ME.
5. Sadly, if parents feel that they need attorneys already we have challenged the family so much that they are now feeling threatened by the institution. There are parents with issues, but far more are overwhelmed by the fact that teachers and school admins feel they are the authority over the child even though GOD GAVE THAT CHILD TO THE PARENT THUS THEY HAVE THE RESPONSIBILITY. This is important...because right now the institution is raising children and parents and kids and teachers are being brainwashed to believe it is the way it should be.
6.I feel sorry for parents in an institutional world that CLEARLY is not in favor of parent/child relationships or willing to give up power. I feel sorry for parents who have to deal with teachers and admins who spend a good deal of time talking about how messed up parents are behind their backs and then say "trust me" to their faces.
7. Parents do need to talk with teachers. All the time. Weekly. Finding out what has gone one...but if my child tells me something I'm going to believe him over you. Why? Because I want my child to know that he is safe. If he says you hurt him I want him to know I will take that seriously. I have worked LONG AND HARD to build that trust. I will not allow you to tear that down.
8. Above all...handle things professionally teachers... if you have a problem...go to the parent... not the neighbors...the ladies and gents at church....not your friends... go to the parents...and for goodness sake...why don't YOU treat families and parents with respect?
YOU as teachers have a LONG way to go before you are going to be winning more respect. Sadly, because you always choose to push the reason on to parents, I doubt you will ever understand why.
Do what you want to with it in your own mind. I'm sick of being quiet just to keep from making teachers mad. I'm surrounded by them and it's starting to be the last thing I want.
God did not give you MY kids to raise. He gave them to me.
Now it's time YOU understood that.
Sincerely....A MOM
Friday, March 8, 2013
Roll Recipe and Sprout Pic..Feeding tube vid
http://farmercial.blogspot.com/2009/12/tube-feeding-lamb.html
A link for a farm blog. This one has a feeding tube vid on it. Had several people talking about having to use that this year. I'm not too terribly excited about the whole thing...but I better learn.
We've got some great sunshine here.... we are due to have rain move in tomorrow afternoon. I'm not too happy about that. I know we need rain, but it's hard to feed and hard to clean up after the goats and chickens when it's raining. It's supposed to go through Sunday. I don't know about Monday. So, this afternoon I've got to move some things. I've got to find SOMETHING to put Moses' hay in. He's beat up every other container I've used. I'm trying to keep this low cost so I'm using what I have. I do have one bucket I might be able to put in his barn with it.
Listening to some great vbs music from last summer. We went to St. Mary's and had the best time.
Feeling under the weather, but going to overcome. Been cleaning and keeping the kids on task.
I've got to get my study materials out this afternoon. Got to enjoy some time with the Lord. I keep trying to get there and things keep coming into my path that can't wait. It's been one of those weeks. So... I'm going to try for some time while the guys are having their time this evening. Depends on what supper is.
Made dinner rolls yesterday. Those were so good. 2 cups whole wheat flour, 1 cup warm to touch milk, 3/4 cup warm to touch water, 2 tablespoons yeast, 3 tablespoons honey, 1/2 cup oil, 1 teaspoon salt. mix all that and let it rise for 10 minutes. make out your rolls and then let those rise for 30 minutes. bake on 400 degrees for 15 minutes. They are fast and yummy. I do find I have to scrunch all mine up so they rise up rather than become flat. This is also the recipe I use to make my burger buns. I am thinking you could make hot dog buns with this but I haven't done it.
Got to water the plants. Oscar the cat has made it to the boys' room. That means he's feeling bold. He's been here almost three weeks.
Sprouts I made.. the wheat sprouts just didn't do as well as I would have liked.
A link for a farm blog. This one has a feeding tube vid on it. Had several people talking about having to use that this year. I'm not too terribly excited about the whole thing...but I better learn.
We've got some great sunshine here.... we are due to have rain move in tomorrow afternoon. I'm not too happy about that. I know we need rain, but it's hard to feed and hard to clean up after the goats and chickens when it's raining. It's supposed to go through Sunday. I don't know about Monday. So, this afternoon I've got to move some things. I've got to find SOMETHING to put Moses' hay in. He's beat up every other container I've used. I'm trying to keep this low cost so I'm using what I have. I do have one bucket I might be able to put in his barn with it.
Listening to some great vbs music from last summer. We went to St. Mary's and had the best time.
Feeling under the weather, but going to overcome. Been cleaning and keeping the kids on task.
I've got to get my study materials out this afternoon. Got to enjoy some time with the Lord. I keep trying to get there and things keep coming into my path that can't wait. It's been one of those weeks. So... I'm going to try for some time while the guys are having their time this evening. Depends on what supper is.
Made dinner rolls yesterday. Those were so good. 2 cups whole wheat flour, 1 cup warm to touch milk, 3/4 cup warm to touch water, 2 tablespoons yeast, 3 tablespoons honey, 1/2 cup oil, 1 teaspoon salt. mix all that and let it rise for 10 minutes. make out your rolls and then let those rise for 30 minutes. bake on 400 degrees for 15 minutes. They are fast and yummy. I do find I have to scrunch all mine up so they rise up rather than become flat. This is also the recipe I use to make my burger buns. I am thinking you could make hot dog buns with this but I haven't done it.
Got to water the plants. Oscar the cat has made it to the boys' room. That means he's feeling bold. He's been here almost three weeks.
Sprouts I made.. the wheat sprouts just didn't do as well as I would have liked.
Saturday, March 2, 2013
They Need Me To ..... Choices
Before morning coffee even... he's there. He's asking me to take him out. It's in the 20's out there. I don't want to. I wrap in my fuzzy blanket and take him. Not what I want to do... but he needs me to.
My oldest started his 19 day fast officially at sundown last night.
He's up early eating because he can't eat after sunrise or before sundown. He's talking. He's clanking dishes. He wants to visit. I haven't had my coffee... but he needed me to.
My middle guy went off to teen retreat yesterday. He was so excited. He loves teasing me about how he will visit when he moves away... you know... on holidays... maybe once a month.... his eyes gleam with merriment. He's so fun loving. I didn't want him to go. I miss him when he's gone. He's my right hand man in everything I do on the homestead. I smiled and laughed and said he was going to have so much fun!!!! BECAUSE.... he needed me to.
My youngest bundle of joy and I had a chat on the way home about what it's like to see things from different perspectives. It was a tough conversation.... but.... he needed me to have it....
My husband sent me a picture text a couple days ago. It was of a pic he snapped with his phone last year or the year before. It was a dumb moment...at least I felt dumb in it... but I did my best not to act dumb. I feel goofy in front of a camera most of the time. Oh well.... but a couple days ago he knew I was having a bad day. It cost him money to send me that text. He keeps a basic program on his phone. But he knew I was having a bad day and he knew... I needed him to....
I said thank you and yes that made my day sooo much better.... I still felt sad. I still hurt...but... you see... he needed me to....
My Moses has been alone since Jackson passed. He immediately felt the loss. He's been trying to reach out. The girls are snobs. They won't talk to him. He's alone. I go in when I feed and I stand with him. I talk with him and pet him. I look into his eyes and tell him what a wonderful boy he is. I kiss him and love him and shower him with all I've got....even while my heart is breaking and I keep looking around with tears in my eyes as I remember another face...another goat who would walk out of the barn toward me...and even when it just still hurts way too much I do it....because...right now...he needs me to...
I want to be in Kansas...and when I'm there my heart sings...it longs to grab hold of the very land I stand on and not let go. I long. I ache. I thought I had let it go but all it takes is a trip back to let me know I haven't let it go. I'm not there. God has not opened that door. He's doing something here...so...I smile and I create life here because... that's His plan right now and... He needs me to...
Every day is full of choices. It's full of moments when we can wallow in self pity or rage with anger or run and hide with fear. Every day of our lives we have choices. Some things we just really don't want to do. Other things we long to do and we just can't. Each one of those days is full of choices for us. We must make those choices.... regardless of how we FEEL we have to do the right thing.... because we need to....
Tuesday, February 26, 2013
My Beloved Jackson ..... Saying Goodbye
Today has been a tough day and it is not even eleven in the morning yet. I didn't sleep last night. Not from 11:30 on. I decided to go ahead and make the morning coffee and take the dog out shortly past seven. It was later than usual, but I was so tired. I went out with Christian and did what I always do. I looked across the yard to the goats. My heart sank as I saw my beloved Jackson lying in the goat yard. I knew instantly he was gone. I screamed and dragged Christian back inside while I called my middle son's name. He came running and we ran out to the barn yard. We both stood there grieving over our dear, dear friend. The does stood supportively while I wailed and choked on my sobs. They understand grief. They haven't experienced it before today...but they instinctively understand it. They were so somber. They knew. I could see it in their faces.
We dug the hole as a family, while Jackson's dearly beloved body lay under the tarp. It was the most respectful thing I could think of. The clay ground was sticky and wet. It clumped and refused to be loosened from the shovels. We worked an hour to dig that hole. We cried. We talked. We shoveled. I wailed. I choked. I dug more. I looked at that tarp and felt my heart was simply gone. Simply gone.
I did take a few snips of his coat. I needed to keep it so I could run my fingers through it again. I needed to put my face to it and smell the sweet scent of my best friend. It was something that made little sense, but I had to do it.
We carefully wrapped my beloved in the a tarp. Carefully we carried him to the graveside. After lifting him into his resting place, we picked daffodils and put them in his hair, behind the horns I so love.
We prayed. We said words we needed to say to him. We stood there, sick, coughing, choking on sobs...and placed the dirt back over his covered body.
I wish I had a good way to end this. Jackson was my best friend. He truly was. It is easy for people to say they think of me every six months. That's easy. Jackson was here every day. He came to see me every day. He listened to me. He loved me. He wanted my kisses. He wanted my hugs. He wanted to be close to me. He wanted to be loved. He accepted me as I was. I accepted him as he was. He was my best friend.
The things he taught me were astounding. I will never be the same. I will never look at a goat the same. He was sent here by God. I know that because the woman who brought him here said God told her to. I don't understand. God knew Jackson would die here. Looking at it I say God wanted to release Jackson from his first mama gently. He had a mission for Jackson. That mission was to teach me. What a large mission packed into a short amount of time.
Every life has deep meaning. Every life has dignity and value. Jackson came here with a mission. He fulfilled that mission. I believe animals with great purpose make it to Heaven. It's ok if you disagree. I believe. I have the hope that's where Jackson is now. My dear beloved Jackson. How can I tell you what he means to me? How can I share my grief? I cry. I feel numb. I feel overwhelmingly broken.
I have trouble looking at these pictures right now. I have trouble looking into the eyes I tried so hard to save. I tried so hard. I tried. I weep as I write this. I don't know. So many doubts now...
I thought about what to do now. Do I quit? Jackson's death left me shaken. I doubt my ability to sort out what to do. But I learned so much. I chose to think differently. I chose to let myself cry. To let myself grieve... but not to give up. If I give up now Jackson's mission will have been in vain. I can't let that happen. Even as I sit here crying and broken I know. I know I will build a new barn. A barn just for angoras. I know I will put it in the back yard. I will make it big enough for them to stay there and be fed there and it will have heaters. It will have space and rest and light. I know I will find angoras. God will send them. I know. I know I will collect books on how to care for them and I will be the better for the drive to be perfect at this. I know. I know I will never love as I love Jackson. He has his own place. But I will love. Just as I felt the bond with the does. They know my pain. Just as Moses tried to figure out what had happened and now he stands all alone. I know.
I also know I will be a voice for these beautiful creatures. God gives us things and people and animals in our lives for a reason. If you are listening He will show you...even in the midst of pain. Even in the midst of wailing. This is why the sacrifice of those dear goats and sheep was such a big deal in the Bible. People saw the depth of those animals. They understood the cost of their sin...even in the life of that dear animal. How much they must of grieved!!!!
Why would God choose an animal to speak of important things? Why does He choose stars or rivers or trees or raindrops? I don't know. I just know He does.
I miss Jackson. My heart aches. I failed him. I failed. I can't fix that. I can work hard to know more and do better with the future. In his memory. To honor who he has been to me.
Save a place for me there Jackson. I love you my dear friend. You will never know how much. You will never know. I know I told you. I know I kissed and hugged you. I know I would have died with you last night had I seen you out there. I would have run to you. I would have run to you and the lightening would have hit me. I know it. That's why I was too sick to go out there late last night. I know it. Oh Jackson.... I miss you
We dug the hole as a family, while Jackson's dearly beloved body lay under the tarp. It was the most respectful thing I could think of. The clay ground was sticky and wet. It clumped and refused to be loosened from the shovels. We worked an hour to dig that hole. We cried. We talked. We shoveled. I wailed. I choked. I dug more. I looked at that tarp and felt my heart was simply gone. Simply gone.
I did take a few snips of his coat. I needed to keep it so I could run my fingers through it again. I needed to put my face to it and smell the sweet scent of my best friend. It was something that made little sense, but I had to do it.
We carefully wrapped my beloved in the a tarp. Carefully we carried him to the graveside. After lifting him into his resting place, we picked daffodils and put them in his hair, behind the horns I so love.
We prayed. We said words we needed to say to him. We stood there, sick, coughing, choking on sobs...and placed the dirt back over his covered body.
I wish I had a good way to end this. Jackson was my best friend. He truly was. It is easy for people to say they think of me every six months. That's easy. Jackson was here every day. He came to see me every day. He listened to me. He loved me. He wanted my kisses. He wanted my hugs. He wanted to be close to me. He wanted to be loved. He accepted me as I was. I accepted him as he was. He was my best friend.
The things he taught me were astounding. I will never be the same. I will never look at a goat the same. He was sent here by God. I know that because the woman who brought him here said God told her to. I don't understand. God knew Jackson would die here. Looking at it I say God wanted to release Jackson from his first mama gently. He had a mission for Jackson. That mission was to teach me. What a large mission packed into a short amount of time.
Every life has deep meaning. Every life has dignity and value. Jackson came here with a mission. He fulfilled that mission. I believe animals with great purpose make it to Heaven. It's ok if you disagree. I believe. I have the hope that's where Jackson is now. My dear beloved Jackson. How can I tell you what he means to me? How can I share my grief? I cry. I feel numb. I feel overwhelmingly broken.
I have trouble looking at these pictures right now. I have trouble looking into the eyes I tried so hard to save. I tried so hard. I tried. I weep as I write this. I don't know. So many doubts now...
I thought about what to do now. Do I quit? Jackson's death left me shaken. I doubt my ability to sort out what to do. But I learned so much. I chose to think differently. I chose to let myself cry. To let myself grieve... but not to give up. If I give up now Jackson's mission will have been in vain. I can't let that happen. Even as I sit here crying and broken I know. I know I will build a new barn. A barn just for angoras. I know I will put it in the back yard. I will make it big enough for them to stay there and be fed there and it will have heaters. It will have space and rest and light. I know I will find angoras. God will send them. I know. I know I will collect books on how to care for them and I will be the better for the drive to be perfect at this. I know. I know I will never love as I love Jackson. He has his own place. But I will love. Just as I felt the bond with the does. They know my pain. Just as Moses tried to figure out what had happened and now he stands all alone. I know.
I also know I will be a voice for these beautiful creatures. God gives us things and people and animals in our lives for a reason. If you are listening He will show you...even in the midst of pain. Even in the midst of wailing. This is why the sacrifice of those dear goats and sheep was such a big deal in the Bible. People saw the depth of those animals. They understood the cost of their sin...even in the life of that dear animal. How much they must of grieved!!!!
Why would God choose an animal to speak of important things? Why does He choose stars or rivers or trees or raindrops? I don't know. I just know He does.
I miss Jackson. My heart aches. I failed him. I failed. I can't fix that. I can work hard to know more and do better with the future. In his memory. To honor who he has been to me.
Save a place for me there Jackson. I love you my dear friend. You will never know how much. You will never know. I know I told you. I know I kissed and hugged you. I know I would have died with you last night had I seen you out there. I would have run to you. I would have run to you and the lightening would have hit me. I know it. That's why I was too sick to go out there late last night. I know it. Oh Jackson.... I miss you
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)




