Before morning coffee even... he's there. He's asking me to take him out. It's in the 20's out there. I don't want to. I wrap in my fuzzy blanket and take him. Not what I want to do... but he needs me to.
My oldest started his 19 day fast officially at sundown last night.
He's up early eating because he can't eat after sunrise or before sundown. He's talking. He's clanking dishes. He wants to visit. I haven't had my coffee... but he needed me to.
My middle guy went off to teen retreat yesterday. He was so excited. He loves teasing me about how he will visit when he moves away... you know... on holidays... maybe once a month.... his eyes gleam with merriment. He's so fun loving. I didn't want him to go. I miss him when he's gone. He's my right hand man in everything I do on the homestead. I smiled and laughed and said he was going to have so much fun!!!! BECAUSE.... he needed me to.
My youngest bundle of joy and I had a chat on the way home about what it's like to see things from different perspectives. It was a tough conversation.... but.... he needed me to have it....
My husband sent me a picture text a couple days ago. It was of a pic he snapped with his phone last year or the year before. It was a dumb moment...at least I felt dumb in it... but I did my best not to act dumb. I feel goofy in front of a camera most of the time. Oh well.... but a couple days ago he knew I was having a bad day. It cost him money to send me that text. He keeps a basic program on his phone. But he knew I was having a bad day and he knew... I needed him to....
I said thank you and yes that made my day sooo much better.... I still felt sad. I still hurt...but... you see... he needed me to....
My Moses has been alone since Jackson passed. He immediately felt the loss. He's been trying to reach out. The girls are snobs. They won't talk to him. He's alone. I go in when I feed and I stand with him. I talk with him and pet him. I look into his eyes and tell him what a wonderful boy he is. I kiss him and love him and shower him with all I've got....even while my heart is breaking and I keep looking around with tears in my eyes as I remember another face...another goat who would walk out of the barn toward me...and even when it just still hurts way too much I do it....because...right now...he needs me to...
I want to be in Kansas...and when I'm there my heart sings...it longs to grab hold of the very land I stand on and not let go. I long. I ache. I thought I had let it go but all it takes is a trip back to let me know I haven't let it go. I'm not there. God has not opened that door. He's doing something here...so...I smile and I create life here because... that's His plan right now and... He needs me to...
Every day is full of choices. It's full of moments when we can wallow in self pity or rage with anger or run and hide with fear. Every day of our lives we have choices. Some things we just really don't want to do. Other things we long to do and we just can't. Each one of those days is full of choices for us. We must make those choices.... regardless of how we FEEL we have to do the right thing.... because we need to....
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